The Dilemma of Gender Equality: Why Benevolent Sexism is Often Preferred Over True Equality
Before jumping to conclusions, I encourage you to read this post fully to grasp the argument. Also note this is mostly based on my personal dating experiences.
Understanding Sexism:
• Hostile Sexism: Overtly negative attitudes and behaviors toward women, such as believing they are less competent than men.
• Benevolent Sexism: Attitudes that appear positive (e.g., women should be cherished) but imply women’s inferiority through ideas of fragility, incompetence, or dependence on protection.
Example: Paying on Dates
As a man who values gender equality, I’ve noticed that treating women as equals isn’t always well-received and can even lead to being mistaken for a misogynist. It seems more advantageous to act in a benevolently sexist way — placing women on a pedestal — since this is often preferred over genuine equality. For instance, many women prefer men who pay for dates, interpreting it as a gesture of commitment and investment, while criticizing those who don’t or those who require the same gestures from them. This reflects benevolent sexism, where men are viewed as providers and women as needing assistance. Although benevolent and hostile sexism are closely related, women in dating often favor benevolent sexist behaviors over non-sexist ones, even when aware of the harm it does to gender equality.
As I do with all my observations I seek out studies that can validate or invalidate my analysis.
Study 1: Women Prefer Benevolent Sexists Over Non-Sexists
“Interestingly, even women with strong feminist views, not just those who align with traditional gender roles, found a benevolently sexist (BS) potential romantic partner more attractive, despite being more aware of the negative impacts. This suggests that such preferences may be a general mate preference for women, regardless of their views on gender roles.”
https://journals.sagepub.com/doi/10.1177/0146167218781000Study 2: Non-Sexist Men Misidentified as Misogynists
“Men who exhibited low levels of benevolent sexism (BS) were perceived as more hostile towards women compared to men with higher BS levels, leading some observers to mistakenly view low BS men as misogynists.” This misidentification makes it difficult for men who genuinely support gender equality to find partners who share and appreciate their values.
Additional Examples:
Example 1: Compliments on Physical Appearance
A man who consistently compliments a woman’s physical appearance may be engaging in benevolent sexism, reinforcing the idea that a woman’s value lies in her looks. While intended as flattering, this behavior subtly perpetuates the notion that women should be admired for their beauty rather than their abilities. Many women may respond more positively to such compliments than to praise for their professional skills, which would be a more egalitarian approach.
Example 2: Offering to Carry Heavy Objects
When a man offers to carry a woman’s heavy bags, it may seem courteous, but it also assumes that the woman is physically incapable. While some women appreciate the gesture as a sign of chivalry, it perpetuates the stereotype that women are weaker and in need of assistance from men.
Example 3: Decision-Making in Relationships
In some relationships, men might take the lead in making decisions, like choosing where to go on dates or how to spend money, as a way to “take care” of their partner. Though this can be seen as protective, it subtly implies that women are less capable of making these decisions themselves. Despite this, many women may feel more secure with a partner who assumes these responsibilities, reflecting a preference for benevolent sexism.
Example 4: Protectiveness in Social Situations
Men who act overly protective in social settings — like stepping in to defend a woman in an argument or shielding her from perceived threats — are engaging in benevolent sexism. This behavior can imply that women need safeguarding because they are more vulnerable, reinforcing traditional gender roles. Many women might find this reassuring, but it still aligns with the narrative that women are inherently fragile.
In my own experiences I’ve grappled with:
- Pressure to Conform to Provider and Protector Roles: Men who engage in benevolent sexism may feel the constant pressure to be the financial provider, decision-maker, and protector in their relationships. While this might be flattering or empowering in the short term, it can lead to stress and burnout, especially if the man doesn’t naturally align with these traditional masculine roles.
- 2. Narrow Expression of Masculinity: Benevolent sexism limits men to a narrow definition of masculinity, where traits like dominance, strength, and control are prioritized. This can prevent men from expressing emotions, vulnerability, or other traits that fall outside traditional masculine norms, which can contribute to issues like emotional repression and mental health struggles.
- 3. Difficulty in Building Equal Partnerships: Men who want to establish truly equal relationships with women may struggle to navigate societal expectations that encourage benevolent sexist behavior. This can lead to frustration or miscommunication in relationships, especially when women are conditioned to expect benevolent sexist gestures.
Impact on Society:
1. Perpetuates Gender Inequality: By encouraging both men and women to conform to traditional roles, benevolent sexism slows progress toward gender equality. It subtly reinforces the belief that men and women are fundamentally different in ways that justify unequal treatment or opportunities.
2. Creates Misunderstandings : non patriarchal men and women — like myself, who reject benevolent sexism may face backlash or misunderstandings from others who see their rejection of these behaviors as unkind or hostile. This can create social divisions, as well as difficulty in communication between those who hold traditional gender views and those who challenge them.
3. Hinders Societal Progress Toward Equality: Benevolent sexism reinforces the status quo, making it harder to dismantle gender norms that perpetuate inequality in both public and private spheres. When society continues to celebrate and reward benevolent sexist behaviors, it becomes more difficult to challenge and deconstruct the systems of patriarchy that rely on these norms.
Conclusion:
Though benevolent sexism offers immediate rewards for both men and women, its long-term effects harm both genders by reinforcing rigid and outdated gender roles. These roles not only limit personal freedoms and equality but also perpetuate broader societal inequalities, preventing the realization of true gender parity. Moving away from these patterns requires a shift in how we view gender, relationships, and equality — one that embraces true partnership and shared responsibility rather than relying on outdated, benevolent roles that ultimately maintain inequality.
Sidenote: the reason for this short article was because I mentioned to a friend that I hold the door for people who come after me regardless of their sex and they looked at me weird as if its unconventional to do so. It also brought me back to my gender studies classes with majority women who claim to be feminist and typically I ask them a series of questions to know whether they are legit or just want benevolent sexism and usually, its the later. Their ideal man if they were to describe him is normally a patriarch. Much of what I did for those I dated are in line with those what I do for my other loved ones only one is more intimate. It’s especially hard dating with a mindset like this due to the patriarchal nonsense we have been feed. Whats worse is I don’t fit the stereotype to be speaking about patriarchy in this way according to most girls I’ve met — which is in itself sexist.
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